missing

barely a week into the new year josh + i already had a running joke about it. the bit is simple: 2018 is the year when nothing has changed. it goes like this: one of us will comment on idk SOMETHING ANNOYING and the other (usually me) will come back with a cheerful "2018!" as if to say new year new view new me whatever. but really it's just sarcasm and kind of reminds us that we aren't really resolution people anyway. josh went so far as to say his resolution is for everyone else to resolve to be better people. not including himself obviously. it's pretty funny. we got a good laugh. we were hiking at the time and since we had a rare outing to ourselves i couldn't let it stop there. i mean was there really nothing? yep, really nothing. so i gave him a few things to do. eat better with me. do a juice cleanse. work out with me at home. you know, FUN stuff.

i felt good about our resolve. and then it faded. it faded into the knot of emotions i tend to almost always find myself in, a place where everything i want to do contradicts something else. eating better reputes the classic don't be so hard on yourself. or even better! telling yourself you don't deserve to eat when dammit yes you do. i feel like that a lot. or when i tell myself to write more but also spend more quality time with the boys. i mean oof. is it even possible to do it all? what's the secret? how can i get to that place somewhere in the middle of where you are and where you want to be. it feels like a piece is missing and i'm getting tired of looking for it.

so here is what i know. to succeed in one thing means sacrificing another. not a new concept i know, but the whole new year clean slate lose weight be great mantra is just kind of bs. i feel like i am changing all year long anyway. and maybe nothing is really missing at all. maybe i am exactly where i am supposed to be but am afraid to be ok with it. ok that i don't look the same way i did in my twenties. that i don't have the time or energy to work out all the time and maintain a borderline eating disorder. maybe it's ok that i always feel like i can always give more to my kids. i think it is.

so maybe this is it. maybe 2018 means change after all. the year i finally become ok with who i am. ok with the goals i continually set and strive for. the ones i am successful in and the others that get shelved until... eh. maybe next year.

xoxo,

sony