all you need is ice cream + a confession letter

dear max + knox:

this is going to come out sounding awful. but that's never stopped me before. so i'm just going to come out and say it. sometimes i wonder what my life would be like with just one of you in it. ok well duh, easier for sure. there would be only one set of teeth to help brush, one sandwich to cut into small bite-sized squares, and one outfit to lay out for school everyday. because honestly that already really can seem like a lot of work. especially if you're like me and you're doing a lot of it alone. then add another tiny human, with their own set of needs and wants. and outfits. quite literally i feel like my head never stops spinning.

you two keep me busy.

going from mama to max to mama to max + knox was a game changer. and hey i'm not saying it was a bad thing! aside from the rigorous schedule being a mama of two incurs, the benefits are huge. like it's another person that josh and i get to love and all that. and you two are BROS. that is AWESOME. that sibling bond. it's pretty cool to witness.

but there's a catch: i will always feel a smidge of guilt for rushing through so many moments. flying past the extra kisses and giggles and coos just trying to get everything done and keep it together. trips to the park cut shorter and less hours logged on the scooter. because managing you two is just plain old hard sometimes. and occasionally impossible. mamas are far from perfect, even if we try to be.

your daddy and i have discussed adopting a method of dividing and conquering (ed. note: Thank you, Team Barrera!). not just divvying up diaper duties and who gets to sleep in on saturday. but rather, one of us takes you, knox, to the park or something and max and i will go do our own thing, and vice versa. i mean why not make life easier on ourselves? seems like a no-brainer. we've done it a couple of times but never stuck with it. we prefer to do everything together.

but sometimes i want to pretend. forget about reality and handle just one of you. enjoy one of you. experience one of you. to not have to share myself between you. to just give one of you 100%. just for a bit. that's not so wrong, is it? i hope you can understand.

so when an opportunity comes to have a solo outing with one of you, i relish in it. because it feels so eaaasy. and i feel like a normal person. typically, my eyes are dart back and forth trying to see what each of you is doing at all times. and then there's this overly dramatic lunge or yelp as one of you runs toward imminent danger. contrary to urban myth, mamas do not have eyes in the back of their heads. what we do have is a fear of silence. silence is never good. unless a cookie is involved. cookies make great babysitters.

earlier this week josh took you, knox, to your well-baby appointment while max and i hit up the pan and sweet rose creamery for some ice cream and make believe. i am still kind of giddy over it. it was the flippin' best little date with my not-so-little max ever. and for once i felt like i had enough hands. mothers of triplets, seriously how do they do it? literally not enough hands.

you boys love the swings! after a few rounds of slides and running around like a crazy person we always end up on these bad boys. max, pretty soon you will officially have outgrown the bucket seats. lord help me. (ed. note: He's totally capable of using one of the big boy swings but is now milking being pushed in one of these baby swings.)

and off to sweet rose! max, the minute i said, "ice cream?" you said: "ICE SCEEAM!!!!" yes max, it's time for some ice sceeam. and aside from a brief meltdown over not wanting to hold hands, we practically skipped the entire way there. one whole block! ice cream is pretty exciting stuff, i say. also getting to push the cross button all by yourself.

sweet rose, you are so pretty!

OPTIONS, aka DANGER ZONE. max, i was prepared to let you have whatever but you shyly pointed at the chocolate sprinkles. classic choice! i did pick vanilla ice cream in the kid-size cup because this mama ain't no fool!

extremely focused! you rarely get ice cream so this was like a big deal.

and then you slurped the last bits down, just like daddy! i couldn't wait to share that with josh. see why we don't always split up? ya always miss something!

mama, it's a "BABY!" like most toddlers, you are pretty obsessed with babies. i always found that interesting. i remember when you were both babies. little kids would approach us all the time. they'd sit down, examine your toys of their past, and salivate over the binkies. nostalgia starts early. who knew.

we got a double scoop of salted caramel to-go for daddy and knox. max, you just had to carry it back to the car and hold it in your lap until we go home. it was impressive. with the bag of ice inside, it was even heavy to me. you were so eager to give them their treats. it was time to get back to reality.

sometimes all you need is some ice cream. and a little one-on-one time. thanks for the ice cream date, max. i'll remember it forever. knox, let's get fries next week. those are your favorite right now. that and sliced pears. thank heavens.

love, your mama